September 16th, 2009

determined

six is a preview of sixteen

As of today I've been in the program for six months—I'll get a medallion for it tomorrow, actually. I'm working through step eight, and the spiritual part of my life is enlarging a fair amount. It happens I've also lost ninety-three (93) pounds in that time.

When you get a certain amount of abstinence, and you begin feeling physical recovery, and you get through "digesting some large chunks of yourself" (particularly the fourth and fifth steps), you kind of get to start over. You start over, in a manner of speaking, where you left off. More or less at the time when your addiction first manifested as a means of stuffing away facing problems or feeling real emotions. In my case this is somewhere between six and nine. I feel a certain accord with my child, believe me, and sometimes have a sense of... anguish, strong emotions, even the occasional tantrum. I'm also practicing some weird things I never did before—weird for me, I mean. These include not apologizing much anymore. And an awful lot of live and let live. I'm strangely unconcerned about some things (also, not-strangely-at-all, quite concerned about others) that used to really bother me. I am stronger in a lot of dimensions, and off kilter in others. I'm like a kitten (with a lot less noms) or maybe a calf or a juvenile robin. Yes? I've been singing more.

My life is completely different than it was a year ago. Almost entirely for the better.